Choosing Joy in the Empty Nest: Four Secrets to Success 🚴‍♀️

Lessons from the bike trail.

(Adapted from the original post at www.lindahanstra.com on 10/03/2020.)

In early October of 2020, with autumn at its peak, I dragged my tired, out-of-shape body out of my comfy chair and forced myself onto my bike. Tom and I had been empty-nesters for four years, and prior to 2020, with the time and freedom of our empty nest, we had renewed our love of biking, year by year increasing the miles we rode.

But that summer, in the midst of the global pandemic, several health and life issues had kept us both off the bike trail. Then, when I went back to my school job in the fall, I slipped off a chair while hanging bulletin board decorations and cracked a rib. My biking life was put on a definite hold for several more weeks.

Then came that lovely autumn day. I knew I should ride but wasn’t looking forward to it. Even with the gorgeous fall colors beckoning, this ride was going to be physically hard after such a long hiatus.

Have you ever dreaded something because you were afraid of the discomfort it might cause? Have you focused on what you’ve lost rather than what you might gain? Has the fear of the unknown kept you from discovering the promise of possibility?

My gloomy thoughts that day reminded me of the days before we became empty-nesters and the apprehension of what was to come.

As the kids headed off to college and their careers, I anticipated the emotional upheaval and sadness of not having them around. For 26 years my identity had been wrapped up in my “mom-job” and I was paralyzed by the thought of being “unemployed.”

Although we had fledged three kids already, the final good-bye and first weeks without our chatty youngest—our socialite daughter—were tough. Over the previous decades, we had grown accustomed to the noise of a household full of kids. The unfamiliar silence in our home was only surpassed by the void in my heart.

As I prepared to ride on that bright autumn day, I clipped my shoes into the pedals and turned on my tunes and Cyclemeter. Despite having the right gear, when I got in the saddle after an extended break, I immediately felt an ache in my legs; the shooting jabs through my thighs a direct result of too much time in my comfy chair.

The first few minutes of my ride were painful, but I pushed on. Then, at the end of our half-mile road, I turned the corner. And the magic kicked in. Once my legs had warmed up, I remembered why I enjoy biking so much.

In the same way, we found real joy in empty-nesting after the initial melancholy subsided. The weeks passed and we fell into a routine. Our kids were adjusting to their young adult lives and my husband and I saw new opportunities in our new situation. We were finally reaping the rewards of a job well done.

As we embark on any challenging journey, we’ll find our hope and strength not by focusing on our pain, but by choosing joy. It’s true for biking. It’s also true for empty-nesting.

How can we choose joy in the empty nest?

Relish the joy of freedom.

Like flying down hills on my bike and not being tied down with my butt in the chair, the life of an empty-nester is freeing.

Our kids are truly a blessing and having them at home through the growing up years brings liveliness and delight. But there is the constant responsibility associated with parenting that steals our spontaneity. In the empty-nest years, we regain the flexibility to pursue the dreams and ambitions that have been put on the shelf for years. With the kids on their own, we are free to be on our own as well!

Discover joy in your own strength.

No longer is my identity tied to my children. Just like building up muscles for biking, discovering who we are in midlife is challenging and can take time. I can’t ride 75 miles on my first ride of the summer, but after much time and training, I’ve been able to achieve some lofty goals.

Finding our own identity again after so many years of being Mom or Dad also takes time. It may require searching our souls, taking classes, or putting ourselves back into the job market. Stepping out of our comfort zones—not unlike sitting on a hard bike saddle—will require practice and patience. But eventually, we’ll tap into our unique strengths, gifts, and purpose.

Find joy in a slower pace.

When cycling, I take in the landscape around me; houses and gardens, a deer and her fawn, corn and pumpkin fields. I marvel at the change of season as autumn leaves turn rust and gold. These are the glimmers of joy I might miss as I speed by in my car.

In the same way, the empty nest allows us time for life’s pleasures—like reading, hobbies, travel—that we once zoomed past. We can get reacquainted with our spouse. Visit and care for elderly parents. Play with grandchildren. Like sipping a leisurely cup of tea, the pace of the empty-nest life allows more time to be in the moment and cherish the memories.

Choose joy by expressing gratitude.

That day as I rode, I thanked God for his provision. Not only was the weather perfect on that lovely autumn day, but my rib had healed and I could exercise without pain. If midlife has taught us anything, it’s that good health and working joints can’t be taken for granted.

Counting our gains rather than focusing on what we’ve lost, brings joy. If our children are in college, working, and living on their own, they must have sound minds and able bodies—gifts not afforded to all. An abundance, rather than scarcity mindset prompts a heart of gratitude and joy, rather than of self-pity and sadness.

Will there be challenges?

Of course. When I hit a big hill on my bike, I sometimes have to get off and push. There are long rides when I almost “bonk” (a biker term for hitting a point of extreme exhaustion). There are cold and rainy days that made me shiver or wring out my wet socks.

This new life stage also comes with struggles.

There may be frustration and disappointment as our kids leave home. Our adult children might have different life views than we do, or it seems they’ve forgotten or turned away from us or the values we’ve taught them. Reconnecting with them as adults takes love and fortitude.

Marriage challenges can also bring us down. Couples often discover parenting was the main thing holding them together. With intentionality and commitment, we can work to restore the love we once shared, before time—and kids—stepped in and changed us.

Empty nests often don’t stay empty for long, at least initially. Around the time we get used to the quiet nest and our freedom, the kids inevitably come back home and invade our space and solitude.

Pushing through the challenges is like pushing those pedals up and down when your energy is waning. Eventually, you will clear another hill and be coasting through life’s journey once again.

How goes your ride?

Is your empty-nest heart focusing on the pain and heartache you’re feeling? Are you viewing the challenges as insurmountable hills to climb?

Or are you keeping your eyes on the promise and possibilities of this grand new adventure? Can you focus on the satisfaction of your children’s successes and the attainment of your dreams as well?

Your heart will follow where your mind dwells. Are you going to focus on your pain or pleasure? Your struggles or strength? Your battles or blessings? The choice is yours.

On my empty-nest journey, I’m learning to choose joy.

Want more?

If you enjoyed this brief biking tale illuminating the joys and struggles of empty-nesting, you will love my latest book, Empty-Nest Joyride: Hope, Love, and Purpose on the Road to Contentment. It’s full of such stories. Here’s what readers are saying:

I loved this book! It's a bike ride through the ups and downs of a long marriage, raising 4 very different kids and navigating the unique ways each launch into the world. Such great reflections that all empty nesters or those on the cusp can relate to. Cathy Lawdanski

The author took me on a joy-filled yet honest ride through her family experiences with emphasis on keeping a marriage strong especially in the empty-nest years. Vulnerable stories from her past illustrate her knowledge of and trust in God as the one who keeps us upright when things are in the midst of change or we hit a "bump in the road." The reflection questions at the end of each chapter are insightful and helpful to a reader in various seasons of life and would enhance a book group study. Sue Moore Donaldson

Whether you buy the book, leave a review, or simply read and 🖤 my posts, your support of an independent author means the world to me!