Boomerang Bonus: Five Tips for Parents when Adult Kids Move Home

When adult kids move back home, both parents and kids can benefit.

You may have noticed the recent headlines: “Adults are Living with their Parents at Unprecedented Levels…” and “More Young Adults Living at Home with Parents...”

While this phenomena is generally seen as a negative indicator of economic struggles (currently fueled by the pandemic, a hot housing market, and soaring inflation), or a reflection on the laziness of the up-and-coming generations, those observations may not paint the full picture. In my experience, adult kids boomerang back home for all sorts of reasons.

It’s winter break. Or spring break. It’s summer and they found a job at the local garden center. They graduated from college and are in debt up to their eyeballs. They’re taking a gap year before graduate school. Sadly, some become sick or disabled and are unable to work.

Whatever the reason, if you find yourself with adult kids under your roof again, it’s probably not what you imagined when your nest emptied. It’s likely not what they hoped for either. Both boomerang kids and their parents are giving up the freedom they have come to enjoy. And that can be hard.

Keep reading for five tips for parents when adult kids move home.

Boomerang bonus?

Having your adult children move back home is not an impossible scenario and in many cases, not even the dreaded situation both parties imagine. In fact, it can be a “bonus time” for both parents and boomerang kids.

The kids’ bonuses might include free rent, Mom’s (or Dad’s) cooking, free financial advice, and lessons in everything from choosing health insurance to changing a tire. 

The parents’ bonuses could be having another person to pick up that gallon of milk on the way home from work, extra hands for cooking when you’re exhausted, a connection to the younger generation’s interests and lingo, someone to binge-watch your shows with, and more time for instilling the values and lessons you didn’t have time to teach during their younger, busier years.

Avoiding pitfalls.

Are you making way for ducklings in your nest? Is your college kid returning home for the first time and you don’t know what to expect? Do you have a boomerang flying at you and you’re not sure how to catch it?

Start by remembering your kids are no longer children, but rather young adults. With that adulthood comes a strong desire for independence. This means as parents, we step out of our former role as disciplinarian and commander-in-chief, and become (hopefully) a trusted advisor and friend instead. 

I speak from the voice of experience. Not only was our Empty Nest Interrupted at the start of the pandemic in 2020, but after two college graduations in the spring of 2021, both of our girls moved back home. We’ve been a “party of four” now for almost a year. They are both working. One with plans to go to graduate school soon. The other with dreams of having her own place before the end of the year. And while we’ve had our rough spots, I can honestly say I’ll miss them when they’re gone again.

I know we are fortunate, and that living with adult children is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. If you’ve allowed your child to come back home but you are feeling hurt, anxious, or unhappy more than you are feeling loved and fulfilled, then it’s time for you to draw some hard lines. You may even have to ask them to leave again.  

If possible, I suggest drawing those lines before your boomerang kid comes back home. Write an informal agreement or, depending on the situation, a formal contract. To get you started, here are five tips to help you avoid potential pitfalls and conflicts, forge lasting relationships, and discover the benefit of the “Boomerang Bonus”.

Five tips for Parents when adult kids move home

Divide household duties.

If you don’t want to take on hours of extra work or spend all of your time nagging your young adult about cleaning up their dirty dishes, it’s important to assign chores and responsibilities early on. 

If your daughter had chosen (or hopes) to live on her own, she would be cooking for herself. Every night. Asking her to make one or two meals a week not only helps you out, but is good practice for her. If your son has been away at college, he has learned how to do his own laundry. There’s no reason that should stop.

Figure out finances.

Don’t be afraid to talk openly about money. Or the lack thereof. For many young adults, it makes good financial sense to go back to their old digs for a time. As long as Mom and Dad haven’t downsized their home and there’s still a room available, why not? Plus, being at home offers many fringe benefits to the young adult. Make a list of what you will provide and what you expect them to pay for or do in return. Don’t forget about internet, cell phones, and streaming services, as well as transportation and vehicle expenses. 

You can prepare your young adult for eventual independence by teaching them fiscal responsibility now. In exchange for free housing, require them to keep a budget, pay off student loans, or even pay a small sum for the privilege of living at home. Review money matters with them regularly and determine what means are available as you help them plan a course of action for their financial future. 

If your child seems to be free-loading or taking advantage of you, it’s time to draw one of those hard lines. Require job-searching goals and actions. If they can’t find their dream career, they may have to settle for flipping burgers for a time. Encourage them to move toward independence by setting reasonable limits on your handouts.

Communicate and coordinate.

Will you be home for supper? 

Where are you going tonight? 

Will you be out late? 

What time do you work tomorrow?

Rather than a barrage of nagging questions, keep a family calendar to avoid schedule conflicts and surprises. Use texts or phone calls to check in. Let your young adult know what you expect and also what you need. Do you and your spouse miss your freedom and alone time? Let your kids know you want one night a week “sans kids.” 

Check out these Happy Together Checklists for talking points you’ll want to consider in kicking off clear communication. If it helps to put things in writing, consider creating an informal “lease,” outlining expectations for both sides.

Endure, then embrace.

Your standards of cleanliness and tolerance of clutter may differ from your young adult’s. But rather than making unrealistic demands that will erode your relationship, find a balance that you can both live with. What seems like laziness or a waste of time to you, might be relaxation for them. Permit them to have their own habits and space as long as it doesn’t take away from yours.

Remember, your child has grown and changed while away from home. Friends, professors, and mentors have shaped them. Their choices are a reflection of not only your parenting, but also of many outside influences and life experiences. Make room in your life and heart for the mature adult they are becoming, with their own opinions, gifts, and personality. 

Benefit from bonus time.

Time with your boomerang kids is bonus time. It allows extra parenting opportunities for heart-to-heart talks and a chance to teach skills and lessons you had little time for during their busy younger years. 

Use this added time to give instructions on cooking, gardening, and home maintenance; medical insurance, retirement plans, and career goals. Discuss issues of faith, values, politics, and current events. You can still be an influence in your adult child’s life, so listen with an open mind while giving advice sparingly and with love.

Finally, use this bonus time to build deeper, lasting relationships. Find interests you have in common and pursue them together. Eat meals as a family. Vacation together. Encourage your young adult to attend worship with you. Seek opportunities to laugh and have fun together. 

Before you know it, your nest will be empty and quiet again. You’ll miss the youthful energy, the conversations over coffee, and the joy of watching your child take their first steps…into adulthood. If you consider these five tips, you’ll make the most of your adult kids’ return to the nest, and everyone will benefit from the Boomerang Bonus!

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